“Fire runs through my body with the pain of loving you.
Pain runs through my body with the fires of my love for you.
Pain like a boil about to burst with my love for you.
Consumed by fire of my love for you.
I remember what you said to me,
I am thinking of your love for me.
I am torn by your love for me.
Pain and more pain.
Where are you going with my love?
I’m told you will go from here.
I’m told you will leave me here.
My body is numb with grief.
Remember what I said My Love
Goodbye My Love, goodbye.” ― Kwakiutl Indian
Touch. This is a language different from what I know. I have been obsessed with words and more words, living in mental palaces made of words, and always relying on words. But touch, this language of touch broke my solid verbal framework. Touch was rubbery and mechanical, touch was something I did not notice, touch was the contact with physical world that I either ignored or went through the motions of. Touch has never been so beautiful as what I felt from you. I grabbed the world and I didn’t feel what I grabbed. You touched the world and you felt what you did. What a wonderful lesson you taught me. Even though we speak different languages and I will never be able to tell you what I write, I can touch you back, because touch speaks volumes. You taught me to look beyond verbal language and my obsession with it. I am thankful that I did although the process was turbulent. I was in a way broken by touch and the gentleness of touch because I have never felt this kind of touch before. Your touch is touch filled with god. I want this touch and crave this touch, like any human would. A human is susceptible to falling in love. I am in love, yes. Yes, yes, yes, I am in love – after this overwhelming thing I had that made me sick and yet so very healthy – that emotion of gentleness. I experienced it and emerged so totally in love. Here, in this indistinct little town, I am having all sorts of experiences. Behind its sweet shell, I find so much softness and so much preciousness. You touched me and the touch touched the sensuousness of me. You touched my ability to feel and my ability to accept the touch, my ability to open up to it with such intense pleasure, I am in shock and awe at my own self when I am touched like that. At how things in me changed, how my assumptions are washed away. How not a word emerges out of me, I am just melting and leaning into your touch. I don’t even care about what that means anymore. Does it mean I will have to stay here? Does it mean I will have to take a completely different direction in life? Perfect. I don’t care.
I love this touch and I am hungry for it, and I love it with love that is not human at all. The love that is pure dissolution of light and goodwill, completely selfless. This kind of love that is not even a love because it implies some kind of self. It is just that which embraces you and wishes you the best. How is it possible to feel this love and to feel this craving at the same time, in the body, physical hunger for touch? How is ok to combine this love I feel and this being human? You made me feel so completely human and so entirely divine. I made myself feel it, I have created this whole thing, this whole story and the interpretations of it. And I will have to live with my creations.
The language of touch speaks volumes, changes worlds, evokes feelings. It awakens love. So you have this otherworldly ability to touch. A talent for touch. Oh my god, this is mind-boggling, beautiful, this discovery I’ve made. Of course I want more. I enjoy the touch and my strange ability to feel it in such a way. You’ve been touching me all this time yet it took time for me to become aware of the significance and meaning of this touch, and of its quality. You touch me slightly and briefly and almost not at all. In this balance of touch and no touch, you have become a natural dancer.
Your touch is a knowing touch. Yet, you don’t know me that long or things about me and so on. And none of it matters. This is beautiful that none of it matters. So much gentleness, so much love for nothing. I have done nothing for this touch.
Physical touch is borne out of the physical world. There may be a different kind of touch – a touch of attention, a touch as a gaze. Your touch is filled with god yet it is a completely physical touch. I am trying to reconcile it. Assuredly physical touch. Makes all my online realities less and less real and I want to be in touch with the physical world. I believe now that this is how it works, at least for me, this is how love translates for me here. A physical touch filled with god.