I feel so upset and mad at the time I feel I have lost, and that I cannot correct my past. The only way to ‘correct’ the past is to start learning what I hadn’t learnt back then. That is the only way to stay alive now – otherwise I am just going to fall apart. It’s all I am doing these days trying to glue everything together. Trying to slowly integrate myself. Trying to find out what that self is, because, of course, I don’t know that very well. I don’t know my boundaries and I don’t know my preferences. I know I am very sensitive to energies. When I find myself with others, I feel them and I have trouble distinguishing where I am and they are, it’s a mess. Life is a mess. Plus all this trauma. I have this trauma and hold it in my tissues, in my body, in my mind, the quagmire of trauma. I can do all the meditation in the world but unless I am willing to go through this trauma, nothing is going to move, nothing is going to work.
In a way, I feel that my perspective is impossible to ‘get’. This freaking thing that my whole existence is. It’s a mess. It’s more challenging to learn things when you are an adult, things you should have learnt as a child and it makes me even more upset at my past. Another perspective I could take to ameliorate things somewhat, would be to imagine I have just come down to earth, and I have got no personal history and no beliefs at all. I am in a way, a clean, pure kind of energy aware of the power.
I would like to talk about this power I have felt in my kudo practice. After all the attempts to pour my body into correct form, I could finally feel it, the beautiful expression of energy that was flowing through me. That energy felt so natural, that I realized it was the truth of me. It was actually me, and that energy was the result of mind, body and spirit coming together. It moved and did my body, it moved and did my mind, it moved and did my spirit. I was nothing but that wonderful energy and it felt so authentic and right, I fell in love with it. I felt it and I felt myself at the same time, I felt my strength and I felt my choice, and I felt my power, and I felt that I was the universe. Nothing can touch the universe, not a single thing is impossible for the universe. Yet then the energy calms down and I go back to ‘normal’ life. Awkward body and awkward mind, whereas I want to hold this Universe energy for longer than simply minutes. In fact, I want to live in it. If I could sustain this energy, I would cease having ‘life problems’. I know that for sure. I am actually quite surprised to discover this vast reservoir of beauty and power. It has always been with me. And it hasn’t been seen, or felt or developed. Of course. I am here now to develop this energy, to cultivate it, no matter what. I would love to see the world through its lens, to see myself through its lens. It’s the Universe. It’s the Universe filled to the brim with deep love. When I am in this energy, I love deeply. Yet, I m just moving, it’s an insane kind of movement, it feels so outworldly and so natural, and I want more of it. In fact, I think that is my real thing, my real power. Now, learning and teaching English also feels natural to me, but it’s so different, the physical skill is much more powerful – the movement integrated with the mind with the spirit, I am in love with the trinity. I don’t know how to live now, because of this new found energy, I feel that it requires an awake body, an awake mind, an awake soul. And an awake teacher. I need a teacher. I have to cleanse and develop myself, yet the process is so so slow and I get impatient, and I get hurt, and I get mad, and I get sick. I want to take care of body/mind yet the process is so subtle and stretches over this thing-time, that I just want to leave it and go to a better place, to a faster place. I have no idea why I should be sticking around apart from love. I still feel that I should express my love and I have a whole avalanche of it, inside me, and I am constantly supplied with it, yet I am awkwardly learning to make it visible, and learning to let it flow. Love is the best medicine. Love is always the best medicine.
So, the question goes: how can I possibly increase the dose of love I feel toward myself and everyone else? Even though love comes naturally, I do feel blockages and I do feel trauma. Not only my own trauma, by the way, but how the trauma is never an individual event, how we are all affected by each other’s trauma. I feel that love is the best medicine for that.
If you are a teacher, you know that you have to meet your students where they are. And accept that. If you manage to love that as well, you will be able to assist this student so much more. I have had my share of teachers who couldn’t meet me where I was, or pretended they were okay with where I was, but it could be felt they had no interest in helping me. That was a very valuable lesson for me, in terms of my own work. I now consciously meet my students where they are, and I love where they are and I love them, whether they have the skill or not. I used to feel that I could only be accepted and loved for my skill, but now I can see life and love is wider than this messed up kind of belief. I now prefer to practice more of unconditionality.
So, to go one step further, what we could practically do, is to meet ourselves where we are, and love that. And also, on top of that, love ourselves no matter if we have the skill or not, no matter the excellence.
Excellence is one of my core values, so I am going to have excellence as my goal always. Taking my craft to that level of spiritual dance with the universe, until doing it, doing anything, feels like writing a divine poem. I love the flow. I love excellence.
Yet, we have to learn how to give ourselves the gift of time, and learn how to forgive the slow process of transformation. That is the thing – patience. And love is the way to that.
With deep love,