On trust

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Trust. What does it take to trust your ability to live? And not just any kind of miserable life, or life as a task, as things to accomplish and a host of relationships to try. But life as a deep source of joy. My idea is to experience life for what it can possibly be. What it can possibly feel –the depth. I want to live my life fascinated not tired. I want to feel the power that is inherent in me and everyone else. This is the creative power that goes past all experiences, this is the power that is behind the experiences. The experiences are the creations. The power is the ability to create. I call on my ability to create. I know it was undeveloped and basically neglected. Now that I look over my past, I don’t know how I survived that dry and miserable period. At least I am still in one piece. I do feel this is an achievement. Of course, the past is now in front of me and I can look at it, in this way I agree with ancient Greeks who regarded our past as what’s in front of us since we can see and contemplate it. As opposed to the future, which they considered lying behind us since we cannot see it.  Today I decided to play with the past which I could now so clearly see. To say I don’t resent my past and all the deprivation in it is to lie. I do feel envious when I come across things that I feel I missed out on, and most of all I regret the lost time. I cannot account for my lost time. It was there and then it wasn’t anymore. I was thrown now into the competitive environment where everyone, everyone had more. Everyone had some kind of advantage on me. Everyone was allowed to develop creatively. I felt that I was done, finished, lost completely. I was without a single skill and also without the desire to live really. I didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t want my life. And even now that I have transformed so much and come such a long way, I still feel that part of me is stuck in that hopelessness, helplessness, lack. And I resent that. I resent my current life and yet I love it for all I have felt. Yes, I may not have had the experiences I should have had, but I have felt, that is for sure. I have felt deeply and subtly. And that is quite more than enough for me to continue breathing. Here I am, and what else remains but embrace this simple fact, and to trust that I still have the ability to be creative? That is what I am doing right now. Learning movement, learning mental skills, learning emotional skills to handle life, and learning physical skills to translate everything into the physical world. The body is an artist and the art as well.

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I have been feeling for so long that I got stuck somewhere in the incompetent stage and cannot move on to being able to handle life. I feel that I don’t have enough creative skills. And all this feeling of having not enough, or none at all, or almost there but not, close but no cigar, of having no one to call, of having no trust, of having no support, all these feelings are old, old, friends, whom I don’t feel like entertaining anymore.

Anyway, there is scarcity that I am perceiving right now, of opportunities and general development in myself. It all stems from the past but it’s useless to struggle against it. Don’t you struggle against the facts. You can grapple with the facts though. See where you can come in. See what can be moved. See what can be worked, what can be reshaped, what can be played with. Yes it’s painful for me to be in the position of a beginner all the time. I want to wake up a master tomorrow. I don’t want all that long and arduous journey of acquiring a skill. I want everything ready. There are cases of prodigies out there all right. There are unicorns who can do feats, and what’s so bad about me wanting to be one of them? This is my genuine desire. I want to be talented. I want to feel talented, and generally adored. Of course. Because why not honesty?

I am serious. There are people who are extraordinary and I want to toe their ranks. I want to be of their class and kind and general proclivity, I want to fit in with them and I want to be that thing everyone doesn’t understand but greatly admires. Something great, mysterious, untouchable.

 

Here is the thing. I am not against work. I know what work is. I worked. I work. I will work. I do what I have to do – I read professional literature, I cross learn, I interact with people, I learn from others. I learn. I work. I teach. Yet I sit on my ass. I do love my mental journeys and reading a good book, and I hope, writing a good book of these days (of course) but what about the physical body? It wants a journey too. It wants some hard juicy movement. I am going to give it to it. And to be even more frank with you, I have started doing martial arts and all this strenuous physical activity feels like the seventh heaven to me. It feels so bad yet it feels so good. The paradox to be left unsolved but enjoyed. Of course.

 

There is (unexpectedly) a big difference between sitting on your ass and going outside your apartment and interacting with the physical world using your physical body. There is a profound lot to learn from this interaction. I will share some of the insights I have extracted up to now, and this is just the beginning. First thing is that I don’t know the body very well. The relationship between us is somewhat akin to new friends who get together for lunch three times a week, it’s not a close relationship, we do have a connection though which is what I want to intensify until I do feel one with it. Now this is love. You want to take something and be one with it, and I want to take me into me in the whole totality of me, and learn how to love me. This practice of self –loving behavior will naturally pour over into all other relationships. We will be more able to love others, in their totality. Be more accepting of others, be more gentle. And of course we will have a different relationship with their bodies too. As the result of seeing our body as sacred and worthy of care, we will regard other people’s bodies as sacred and worthy of care. As the old proverb so aptly states, it all starts at home.

Even though my body is largely under-used, I am not giving up and going back to my chair. I intend to work with what I’ve got, yes, it is very hard and frustrating. When you want to do one thing but the body doesn’t, when you want the movement to flow but instead it’s a rusty choppy move with you ending up facing the floor.

But well, as we know it, practice makes less choppy and accounts for fewer dates with the floor.

With practice, you develop flow and balance and even maybe style. Imagine having your own movement done with style, swagger and class. Nothing robotic, everything poetic. That’s the type of movement I sit in my chair aspiring to.

You should trust your body. That’s perhaps the loveliest insight I extracted. The body knows. It just knows.

Trust your body to move  – to express movement. You can even adopt the mantra of I trust my body if you have this particular problem. If your right or left side feels weak, this is a useful mantra to use. You trust that side anyway. Even if it feels out of all universal control.

The last insight, perhaps the wisest one I could come up with, is that when you combine mental, emotional and physical expression, you become so much more you. This is authenticity amplified. This is more you. All, everything, is integrated and channeled into the specific purpose of expression of what you are.

So, trust the moves you make.

With love,

Anastasia