My language learning has long become a spiritual journey.
Communication is a very complex thing. I can express myself in words but sometimes I cannot. Sometimes my pen breaks and my mind goes blank and my tongue gets tied. Things happen, In this case, how do I communicate? What do I do? Communication though, can be done through other means, through touch, for example. Touch speaks volumes – and helps me say the unsayable. What I feel is unsayable. But I am here to deal in words – so I’ll keep on trying to verbalise it.
Confidence will get you far. You have you heart set on beautiful things, yet without confidence, nothing changes and you continue with your old life.
Would you call it growth or maturity when you stop caring? There are things I stopped caring about. Yet, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if I haven’t really – if my caring simply took another form. And it’s okay if I care and don’t care at the same time, It’s okay if my life is never going to be the same.
There was a time I truly thought my work was language. But now I can see it is love. My work is love. My work is filling the dark cold empty places with love. These places are inside me, these places are outside of me. It’s a crazy idea to be alive in a world with a deficit of love. To survive and do my work, I only need to stay connected to love, but it’s hard. I want to stay connected to love, but it proves the hardest. I considered myself a good lover but I am not. I am a student of love and a beginner at that. I want to become the real thing and a real sufi. None of the half-deals and second bests. This life is my only opportunity, my only shot at materializing love: translating it into words, solidifying it into actions, channeling it into touch.
I am not a stranger to anger.
Love has always wrapped a cloak of safety around me. For those ephemeral moments, when I truly felt love, I felt safe. But then those moments started to stretch into longer moments and so now I feel more love yet part of me is still cold, and is experiencing pain. My upbringing was short on love and I was a good student of lack and then anger. Nobody has ever felt protective of me, not to my knowledge at least, and not to my feeling, I felt thrown out of consideration and goodwill. But this town opened something in me, opened a new feeling. I met people here whom I am able to connect with and feel this protection. For that, I am eternally grateful.
Doing your work
Doing your work is the most powerful experience. I am on my way to my work even though there are all these reasons I could give up. I won’t give up on love, I may give up on life, but never on love. But what love teaches me is that life is kind and interesting and shouldn’t be given up on, so I won’t. So, don’t.
Much love, Anastasia