May we grow into the most beautiful integrated versions of ourselves.

May we become truth. I am choosing to become truth, the most truthful version of myself. Right now, today. I will explore the truth and the simplicity of it. Truth doesn’t play tricks and truth is not unkind. Truth is a flow of reality which is on your side. The whole reality, the whole universe, if it is truthful, if you see the truth of it, is on your side. The truth is the beautiful essence of you. The truth is ever expanding itself and it means your expansion and your growth. Truth means going deeper and deeper into what you are feeling and not being afraid of claiming it as yours and integrating it. Truth is a very courageous thing, truth is the process of kindness, acceptance and love. Truth is kind, and truth cannot be denied. It is in the denying of truth that we lose ourselves. It is in the denying of feelings that we numb ourselves. The purpose of truth is to feel everything and to be everything, with compassion. Truth is inseparable from kindness. Will you move toward truth, closer to merging with it, closer to becoming it, one layer less of illusion? May we be one layer less of illusion today. May truth be integrated into our consciousness and may it bring to us relaxation wisdom and trust. I have been seeking my authenticity which is to say Truth. And the deeper I go into this journey, the more I love truth, and the subtler it becomes. Truth is in the moment. Every moment can be experienced in its true form, and thus in its beauty, and thus in its presence. To experience truth you have to be present to it, you have to be open to how it unfolds through you, and you have to be able to be ready for it. You have to have the courage to express this truth that is in you, to let it move through you and out of you. Truth is medicine for pain. Truth contains love. When you live in truth you are in love with what you feel and where you are, in love with moments, in love with your actions, in love with your movement. Truth is also in movement. Of course it envelops everything and thus not only movement but also stillness, but it is movement in that it’s never the same from moment to moment, truth is always growing, expanding and magnifying itself.

It’s not an easy thing to make consciousness your object of study, and it’s not an easy thing to be alive.  Because through being alive you are constantly called to examine your life, its labyrinths and roundabouts, its endless metaphors. This obsession with self-learning and self-discovery is life. Especially, the emotion. I experience things as emotional earthquakes, as memories that can spring up to life and deal a punch in the guts. I feel emotions as knives poking at the flesh, and rendering it mercilessly, I feel emotions as torrential rains. That’s why I want gentleness. Gentleness is the only way. But what is truth here? The right way to feel? There is none. NONE. Not even joy. There is fear, fear I believe is the greatest emotion of all, because it’s a certain gatekeeper. It keeps you from doing or feeling. It keeps you from the expression of love and paradoxically, love neutralizes fear. Love neutralizes fear but it takes guts to love. The easiest thing is to have conflict, to be anger. Right now I feel fear and I feel shaky and I am making my choice to integrate these emotions anyway, to be with them anyway, to include them into my conscious experience of life instead of trying to overpower them or fight them away with some kind of social outing or food which I’ve been doing. I am making my choice to integrate myself to the finest point I possibly can in this life. I’d love to invite you to think about your own choices.

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Finally, I’d like to offer a short blessing for each of you who is reading this blog

May you choose to be in love over being in fear and may you trust the truth,

May you choose to be supported, guided, forever enveloped in truth and its positive regard,

May you feel unconditionally loved and absolutely accepted, and may you see this reflected beautifully in the physical form.

“Fire runs through my body with the pain of loving you.
Pain runs through my body with the fires of my love for you.
Pain like a boil about to burst with my love for you.
Consumed by fire of my love for you.
I remember what you said to me,
I am thinking of your love for me.
I am torn by your love for me.
Pain and more pain.
Where are you going with my love?
I’m told you will go from here.
I’m told you will leave me here.
My body is numb with grief.
Remember what I said My Love
Goodbye My Love, goodbye.” ― Kwakiutl Indian

Touch.  This is a language different from what I know. I have been obsessed with words and more words, living in mental palaces made of words, and always relying on words. But touch, this language of touch broke my solid verbal framework. Touch was rubbery and mechanical, touch was something I did not notice, touch was the contact with physical world that I either ignored or went through the motions of. Touch has never been so beautiful as what I felt from you.  I grabbed the world and I didn’t feel what I grabbed. You touched the world and you felt what you did. What a wonderful lesson you taught me. Even though we speak different languages and I will never be able to tell you what I write, I can touch you back, because touch speaks volumes. You taught me to look beyond verbal language and my obsession with it. I am thankful that I did although the process was turbulent. I was in a way broken by touch and the gentleness of touch because I have never felt this kind of touch before. Your touch is touch filled with god. I want this touch and crave this touch, like any human would. A human is susceptible to falling in love. I am in love, yes. Yes, yes, yes, I am in love – after this overwhelming thing I had that made me sick and yet so very healthy – that emotion of gentleness. I experienced it and emerged so totally in love. Here, in this indistinct little town, I am having all sorts of experiences. Behind its sweet shell, I find so much softness and so much preciousness. You touched me and the touch touched the sensuousness of me. You touched my ability to feel and my ability to accept the touch, my ability to open up to it with such intense pleasure, I am in shock and awe at my own self when I am touched like that. At how things in me changed, how my assumptions are washed away. How not a word emerges out of me, I am just melting and leaning into your touch. I don’t even care about what that means anymore. Does it mean I will have to stay here? Does it mean I will have to take a completely different direction in life? Perfect. I don’t care.

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I love this touch and I am hungry for it, and I love it with love that is not human at all. The love that is pure dissolution of light and goodwill, completely selfless. This kind of love that is not even a love because it implies some kind of self. It is just that which embraces you and wishes you the best.  How is it possible to feel this love and to feel this craving at the same time, in the body, physical hunger for touch? How is ok to combine this love I feel and this being human? You made me feel so completely human and so entirely divine. I made myself feel it, I have created this whole thing, this whole story and the interpretations of it. And I will have to live with my creations.

The language of touch speaks volumes, changes worlds, evokes feelings. It awakens love. So you have this otherworldly ability to touch. A talent for touch. Oh my god, this is mind-boggling, beautiful, this discovery I’ve made. Of course I want more. I enjoy the touch and my strange ability to feel it in such a way.  You’ve been touching me all this time yet it took time for me to become aware of the significance and meaning of this touch, and of its quality. You touch me slightly and briefly and almost not at all. In this balance of touch and no touch, you have become a natural dancer.

Your touch is a knowing touch. Yet, you don’t know me that long or things about me and so on. And none of it matters. This is beautiful that none of it matters.  So much gentleness, so much love for nothing. I have done nothing for this touch.

Physical touch is borne out of the physical world.  There may be a different kind of touch – a touch of attention, a touch as a gaze.  Your touch is filled with god yet it is a completely physical touch. I am trying to reconcile it. Assuredly physical touch. Makes all my online realities less and less real and I want to be in touch with the physical world. I believe now that this is how it works, at least for me, this is how love translates for me here. A physical touch filled with god.

 

Life that consists of rain and sunlight, and of their depth,

is difficult.

All of you lovers are in me, and I am ever fresh in my love for you, as intensely as possible and as intensely as ever

I have all of you and I am with you and I am alone

I am full and deprived

In my human separateness

I have no Valentine yet I think of you

In this painful kindness

 I am always dancing on the brink of death and ecstasy

As I am waiting for both

Love.

The more I trust this impulse to love, the more I act on it, the  clearer I can see that my broken life is being fixed by this substance – love. Love is the best medicine and I am amazed at how powerful this thing is.

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It has been the single most important ingredient of all transformative experiences I have ever had.

Love stood at the beginning of my transformation when I fell in love with the language, and love has driven me to make necessary changes to grow myself in that direction. Love is what changes, love is the catalyst, and the point of life.

Love is the true recipe for health. It’s not about diet or exercise. The right diet and the right exercise come to you naturally when your consciousness is prepared by love. For the unprepared consciousness, diet and exercise and other lifestyle changes are a torture. For the prepared consciousness, it’s a natural direction to take. You prepare your consciousness by love, kindness and compassion. May you be loving, kind and compassionate.  Of course, to yourself, and to others, but it has to be both – you have to combine both. One doesn’t work without the other. It’s not an honest kind of compassion which only flows one way. There is so much to think about and feel, when you consider that.

Also, you can flip the miserable ‘not enough’ thought by stating that life is generous. When you consider your whole life generous, when generosity is your default framework, you get a different feeling experience. Instead of all this pain, and lack and cruelty; take generosity and gentleness as what makes you up, and makes your world up. Relax into trust. Trust nature, your body, trust simplest things – trees, air, sky, rivers, the ocean, the coming spring. Take this new approach of generosity and trust. May you be brave enough to take this fresh look. May you trust in your own truth. May you experience the utmost love.

Trust. What does it take to trust your ability to live? And not just any kind of miserable life, or life as a task, as things to accomplish and a host of relationships to try. But life as a deep source of joy. My idea is to experience life for what it can possibly be. What it can possibly feel –the depth. I want to live my life fascinated not tired. I want to feel the power that is inherent in me and everyone else. This is the creative power that goes past all experiences, this is the power that is behind the experiences. The experiences are the creations. The power is the ability to create. I call on my ability to create. I know it was undeveloped and basically neglected. Now that I look over my past, I don’t know how I survived that dry and miserable period. At least I am still in one piece. I do feel this is an achievement. Of course, the past is now in front of me and I can look at it, in this way I agree with ancient Greeks who regarded our past as what’s in front of us since we can see and contemplate it. As opposed to the future, which they considered lying behind us since we cannot see it.  Today I decided to play with the past which I could now so clearly see. To say I don’t resent my past and all the deprivation in it is to lie. I do feel envious when I come across things that I feel I missed out on, and most of all I regret the lost time. I cannot account for my lost time. It was there and then it wasn’t anymore. I was thrown now into the competitive environment where everyone, everyone had more. Everyone had some kind of advantage on me. Everyone was allowed to develop creatively. I felt that I was done, finished, lost completely. I was without a single skill and also without the desire to live really. I didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t want my life. And even now that I have transformed so much and come such a long way, I still feel that part of me is stuck in that hopelessness, helplessness, lack. And I resent that. I resent my current life and yet I love it for all I have felt. Yes, I may not have had the experiences I should have had, but I have felt, that is for sure. I have felt deeply and subtly. And that is quite more than enough for me to continue breathing. Here I am, and what else remains but embrace this simple fact, and to trust that I still have the ability to be creative? That is what I am doing right now. Learning movement, learning mental skills, learning emotional skills to handle life, and learning physical skills to translate everything into the physical world. The body is an artist and the art as well.

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I have been feeling for so long that I got stuck somewhere in the incompetent stage and cannot move on to being able to handle life. I feel that I don’t have enough creative skills. And all this feeling of having not enough, or none at all, or almost there but not, close but no cigar, of having no one to call, of having no trust, of having no support, all these feelings are old, old, friends, whom I don’t feel like entertaining anymore.

Anyway, there is scarcity that I am perceiving right now, of opportunities and general development in myself. It all stems from the past but it’s useless to struggle against it. Don’t you struggle against the facts. You can grapple with the facts though. See where you can come in. See what can be moved. See what can be worked, what can be reshaped, what can be played with. Yes it’s painful for me to be in the position of a beginner all the time. I want to wake up a master tomorrow. I don’t want all that long and arduous journey of acquiring a skill. I want everything ready. There are cases of prodigies out there all right. There are unicorns who can do feats, and what’s so bad about me wanting to be one of them? This is my genuine desire. I want to be talented. I want to feel talented, and generally adored. Of course. Because why not honesty?

I am serious. There are people who are extraordinary and I want to toe their ranks. I want to be of their class and kind and general proclivity, I want to fit in with them and I want to be that thing everyone doesn’t understand but greatly admires. Something great, mysterious, untouchable.

 

Here is the thing. I am not against work. I know what work is. I worked. I work. I will work. I do what I have to do – I read professional literature, I cross learn, I interact with people, I learn from others. I learn. I work. I teach. Yet I sit on my ass. I do love my mental journeys and reading a good book, and I hope, writing a good book of these days (of course) but what about the physical body? It wants a journey too. It wants some hard juicy movement. I am going to give it to it. And to be even more frank with you, I have started doing martial arts and all this strenuous physical activity feels like the seventh heaven to me. It feels so bad yet it feels so good. The paradox to be left unsolved but enjoyed. Of course.

 

There is (unexpectedly) a big difference between sitting on your ass and going outside your apartment and interacting with the physical world using your physical body. There is a profound lot to learn from this interaction. I will share some of the insights I have extracted up to now, and this is just the beginning. First thing is that I don’t know the body very well. The relationship between us is somewhat akin to new friends who get together for lunch three times a week, it’s not a close relationship, we do have a connection though which is what I want to intensify until I do feel one with it. Now this is love. You want to take something and be one with it, and I want to take me into me in the whole totality of me, and learn how to love me. This practice of self –loving behavior will naturally pour over into all other relationships. We will be more able to love others, in their totality. Be more accepting of others, be more gentle. And of course we will have a different relationship with their bodies too. As the result of seeing our body as sacred and worthy of care, we will regard other people’s bodies as sacred and worthy of care. As the old proverb so aptly states, it all starts at home.

Even though my body is largely under-used, I am not giving up and going back to my chair. I intend to work with what I’ve got, yes, it is very hard and frustrating. When you want to do one thing but the body doesn’t, when you want the movement to flow but instead it’s a rusty choppy move with you ending up facing the floor.

But well, as we know it, practice makes less choppy and accounts for fewer dates with the floor.

With practice, you develop flow and balance and even maybe style. Imagine having your own movement done with style, swagger and class. Nothing robotic, everything poetic. That’s the type of movement I sit in my chair aspiring to.

You should trust your body. That’s perhaps the loveliest insight I extracted. The body knows. It just knows.

Trust your body to move  – to express movement. You can even adopt the mantra of I trust my body if you have this particular problem. If your right or left side feels weak, this is a useful mantra to use. You trust that side anyway. Even if it feels out of all universal control.

The last insight, perhaps the wisest one I could come up with, is that when you combine mental, emotional and physical expression, you become so much more you. This is authenticity amplified. This is more you. All, everything, is integrated and channeled into the specific purpose of expression of what you are.

So, trust the moves you make.

With love,

Anastasia