Real love. None of this seesaw kind of thing, none of that hiding. None of that suppression of what you feel. None of that pretense. None of the masks. None of the feelings that aren’t there. Raw honesty and raw how you are. I don’t mean any other type of love when I say real love. Real love is not experientially poor. Or poor in any other kind of way. Impoverished. Lacking. Voiding. I want none of that, it’s not me. 

I suspect that life is easy. You let it flow and you are open instead of succumbing all the time and hurting in distrust. Distrust, discomfort, and if I can say, dis-love, have been the usual experiences of my “original land”. I call it original land even though I can see how it morphs into my present being, where I am right now. You  and not you – that doesn’t exist. In effect, all experiences are interconnected. It’s a beautiful feeling to experience that interconnectivity, to actually feel, and feeling becomes knowledge. But that experience is short-lived and back you go into your habitual territory, into your original land. You have to have strength.  Or you will suffer in that land indefinitely.

I have been getting interested in Kanji recently, and strength symbol caught my attention. The way strength is represented echoed through me. I decided to embody it. To actually tweak myself to strength. I included strength into my morning qigong. Sometimes using my arms, and sometimes using my whole body to flow into the symbol of strength. Thankfully, it’s a relatively simple one.

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Somehow that practice of creating strength out of myself, led me to become interested in actually developing it, and my idea was to look into jujitsu.

Especially mental jujitsu, so as to learn strength in a more thorough way.   And suddenly, last night,  I found a teacher. The teacher. She came to me in a dream and we had our first strength lesson. So simple. She is perfect. The lesson happened inside the dream which is the perfect learning environment because of what’s possible there. There are fewer inhibitions. I told her about my interest in mental jujitsu (jujitsu is a form of martial art I consider looking into later)  and she had something to say about it.

We started to talk about water and I told the teacher about my connection to it. She said she was also associating me with this element. However, I do feel more connected to other elements as well – I feel grounded and I feel that I embody more fire now – especially when I am with the teacher.

I don’t really learn from discipline or the abusive carrot and stick approach. I thrive on love. The teacher knew that. Our lesson was taking place in different settings, I loved the way the settings would flow and morph. She and I walked into a room that had one bed in it. Intuitively I knew someone had died in that bed. I was going to lie down but the teacher stopped me. She wanted me to cover my head so that I wouldn’t touch the pillow – and I did what she suggested. She suggested – never demanded. She never even had that edge, that energetic point you feel in someone when they consider themselves a teacher. The teacher didn’t feel like a teacher and that made her even more of a teacher. Plus, she had that something about her that set me on fire, the good type of fire, the fire you feel when you are on the edge of “high potential” or that interesting super-consciousness edge.  Flow. But flow is different, there are types of flow. Sometimes flow is gentle, sometimes it is explosive, and with her, I felt the explosive flow which is the perfect state for learning. Explosive flow lets you dive into experience without too much analysis and without too much of anything really. Explosive flow gives you recklessness, speed, it is the acceleration of self and its drive to know.

So as we were standing in that room, I had a look at the teacher’s body and told her it was perfect. She said it was efficient. I lay down on the bed and she lay on top of me pushing down on my back and I succumbed to the pressure. Suddenly, intuitively, I knew she wanted me to resist instead, and I did. She fell backwards thus providing me with the sensation of victory but I knew the teacher had more strength than I had, she was being generous.  We did it the second time. She pushed me down and this time her grip was much more powerful and I had a hard time resisting it. She asked me to resist with all I’ve got.  I remember pulling all of my resources to the task. I remember trying to mentally reframe the way I viewed myself so that I could accomplish the task, and the last thing I remember thinking, I was the perfect student for her.

I woke up and felt. Among other things, I felt like a hungry warrior. I had never enjoyed the grapes like that. I was practically drowning in the experience of eating them, deriving pleasure, so vehemently, out of that. What a learning experience.  Thank you Teacher.

The autumn has begun –  it’s beautiful in this town. I love the atmosphere – somewhat nostalgic, but purely sweet – and there is an amazing sense of magic.  On some days, it’s easy to believe that the reality is going to crack and a black swan event will happen. Something completely unplanned for and outrageously fantastic. Something that will again break beliefs. You will never think or feel the same. Everything will shift.

That is what I feel has been happening to me here. Crimea is a magical place, it is different, it is never homogenous. When you travel around Crimea, you unravel it, and unravel yourself. Crimea is allowing of your unraveling and creation – you create yourself here. It puts you on the edge of your potential. I feel that there are two choices from there. You either relax into what you are right now or you start honing yourself, you work your work, your thinking, your feeling, your imagination.

You have your desires. You can develop your visualization skills to the point at which you don’t even need a physical experience to experience something  – fascinating. I do think that life should be approached with a sense of wonder at things like this, but today I am asking myself why is happiness so paramount anyway? Why do I, as a being, tend to want to move to ecstasy? I don’t want to stay at a neutral point. I don’t want to be just happy. I want to go full throttle and then some. I want to amplify ecstatic to infinity.  I want to stop at nothing. I want to overflow with the energy of unrestrained gentle ecstatic suns intensifying endlessly, that. What is this desire and why do I have it and how do I go about it?

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There is an element of honestly to becoming ecstatic. Emotional honesty pours over into ecstasy. You have yourself full of emotion. Acknowledge that emotion or disregard it – that is the choice. If you acknowledge it, you are with yourself, it’s a gentle act of love. If you disregard it, if you brutally disregard it, you aren’t with yourself, you don’t fulfill your role as a lover. Lover is not only on the outside of your reality. Lover is also inside you – you being your lover. That is an interesting thing to consider. You being your lover. It’s a graft and a craft.

It requires a certain degree of unclogging your emotional arteries from the ideas permeating this place – Earth.  This Earth is an interesting place, and I feel, by having lived in different places, that the reality on earth, even though dense and somewhat stable, can be shifted, so all this physical movement from place to place – is how you shift that reality which is of course proceeded by a change on an emotional level.  Every place is imbued with different energy. I find that a nice thing to do, to feel into the energetic flavours of a place – that’s part of the excitement of travel.  Crimea generally feels positive but some places, especially military places, don’t do me any good. But then drop me somewhere near the beautiful New Light or even my own Feodosia, and the ecstatic streak is there again. Especially ecstatic feels the Crimean wilderness. There is so much beauty and power in this wilderness. This wilderness is fruitful with ideas. It shows you your own potential. In a way, the wilderness allows you to dispense with layers and layers of yourself, until you are left with that which is pure, glowing, and ready to create.

What do you want to create?