Love is a complicated thing. You may love a person – that doesn’t equal them feeling loved.  If they say they love you, accept that there is an angle, a perspective, from which they say that. It is possible there is nothing false – they do indeed love you in that moment or in the past. Now if someone tells you all about their love and you don’t feel that energetically, it may be because one, the statement is a lie, two, you’ve got your own benchmarks by which you are feeling loved. If their behavior doesn’t align with the benchmarks, then from your perspective, from your angle, you aren’t loved. If there is no matching of perspectives, there is no possibility for feeling loved.

Image result for feeling loved languages quotes

Things are subject to your perspective. That’s your work to explore how many angles you can assume. Then it is a balance, a sort of dance between assuming the angle and letting go of it. How much of a dancer are you? Can you continue letting go when letting go is the bane of the human life. It feels like agony to let go. And the closer you are to that thing, that person, you are trying to let go of, the more the process stings. There is no recipe for letting go and maybe there should be. One idea is to do it part by part, thing by thing, word by word. You let go, of say, someone you love and have loved for so long – it’s impossible. You aren’t sane in your love. You are drunk and soft and open.  You melt in their presence, your every cell is vulnerable. But of course you are attached. You are so, so attached, it’s just as well to be honest about that. Of course you’d prefer to have a different kind of reality – chaste and absolutely spiritual, you are totally unconditional; but you don’t have this reality, you are not that. You are entangled in your attachment, in your want.   Maybe it’s quite banal. Maybe they will laugh at you.

Image result for attachment quotes

When you decide to let go, you strangely experience no pain. A prick of sorrow here and there. But the pain that was there before, it left your body a long time ago. In a way, you are dead. That version of you that was all pain is dead and you know it. You remember being that dying self. You remember the seven circles of destruction. You were destroyed of course by your feelings, and then what happened. You were suddenly pure and  in a different place. And here you are. Feeling sorrow. Sorrow is a much smoother emotion, easier to feel. Of course you don’t mind feeling, you trained yourself to feel. To feel life. To feel fresh. To feel the whole gamut. You still feel the negative spectrum but it’s much more ameliorated now.   You are doing really well.

So you are attached to that person and the wasted possibilities between you – you feel you have wasted Important. You count your mistakes but know it’s a dance as well. You have danced a dance full of missteps.  You remember them. You really remember them. Even their name is a poetic adventure. You feel that you have memorized their name so you could find them here. And now, let go of that.  First let it be name. Taste it again, taste it to the fullest. Give yourself the grace of time and patience to taste and then let silence come in its place. It’s okay.

And then you think of their words. You have a special relationship with words. Words have so much heft. Words may be easy to feel or be a hiding place for the emotion, the real thing. What have you felt in their words? Perhaps, everything. A lot of gentleness, a lot of hate. You have felt a fiery love a few times. Taste that, take that. And then, let silence come. Let nothing come in its place.

Don’t be confused or discouraged by when I say “nothing”. Nothing means pure possibility. Once you let go of your attachment, you will feel light, so much lighter. You will be more, so much more. You will be different, you will be the difference that you want to make – in healing this place.  Physician, heal thyself, though.

 

 

 

 

Teaching is a wonderful practice for personal development. But then again, everything is a practice for personal development. Teaching is a wonderful thing for body and mind. It may seem intellectual but actually I experience mental movement as desire to move physically. My mental journeys make me want to go for a swim, or at least take a walk to the seashore. I have never seen parks as a walking destination. But when I have a sea to walk to, I feel a kind of subtle sunshine spreading over my soul.

Image result for movement quotes

Teaching only sounds one-dimensional. You take a thing and you teach it.  But you can build on it, and branch out of it, essentially morph it. In my case, I love the language and yes, I feel that I love teaching it but not the way it’s traditionally taught. I don’t feel passionate about the methods in the field. And during my teaching, there has always been this intuition that would tell me that something was off. I want to be honest about this one thing: when I teach English for the sake of grammar nuances and every day getting by, I feel that the game I have picked is not for me. I have to build on teaching not teach for teaching’s sake.

So I was thinking and thinking how I could flex my teaching so that it would be more valuable for all parties involved. What exactly should I teach? And then I had come across the book focusing on communication skills and strategies and case studies. You could even call this coaching material. Instantly I fell in love with the book. It is the first book which I absolutely want to teach and for which my enthusiasm has been greatly evoked. I am quite happy to integrate this communication coaching into my practice. I feel I am more useful this way and the sessions have become more enjoyable. And the off feeling is gone.  So it’s a win from all perspectives.

Image result for communication quotes

The deeper thing behind this experience is honesty. While working, I am feeling. The feeling part is rather intense. I feel nervous and anxious, I feel happy and at peace. Every time it’s a different cocktail with different effects.  Emotions change their depth. I have never had the same session emotionally wise.  And these emotions have been my best teachers.

At the beginning of my practice, I wasn’t really analyzing them. I was trying to get comfortable with conversation. Sharing space with another human and practicing extending myself instead of retrieving into the practiced shell. I have found to my surprise, that I love extending myself and non-judgment is quite natural. It is as though I have a switch – the session starts and there is no judgment, I am entirely accepting and ready to assist.

However, I experience emotion before, during and after, a session. The gamut is impressive. I think that emotions are a study in and of themselves, and my emotional range is nowhere as near as it could be. I feel as though I have muted and narrowed my ability to feel, perhaps as a survival strategy back on the continent.  Boy oh boy, I am an island girl. And here, I have the opportunity to first relax, and second, do the emotional expansion.  And this experience, I think, is the finest kind of school.

So as I am feeling all these emotions in my practice, I don’t try to deny that I am feeling them. I don’t try to find a distraction. I don’t try to suppress. I don’t try to mute. What I try is to soften towards them. I have a choice and I don’t have a choice. I could choose to mute my emotions as I did before, but I didn’t like being alive when I did that. And now, I actually like my life, the more I feel.

Image result for honesty with self quotes

Honesty. I was honest with myself that something about my teaching practice didn’t feel right.  As if I were underplaying. Or choosing the wrong content to discuss. And I listened and listened to the off feeling. And I listened to the right feeling which I also (thankfully) get. And the right feeling is there when I teach communication. I can now see that you can literally feel your way out of an off situation.  Teaching communication may be my thing. How would I know unless I felt? This is the value of feeling – the practical value. You feel off, you feel on, you experiment. And another thing is, don’t be afraid to experiment. Clean the slate and start again – that’s how you stay fresh and your life stays fresh.  And there is something uniquely beautiful about the freshness of the thunderstorm I happen to be listening to right now.

 

Much love,

Anastasia