Month: July 2017
“When you gamble with safety, you bet your life”- Anonymous.
You know that feeling that something wonderful is about to happen? Yet imagine, something else is mixed into this feeling. The unstable thing. Imagine feeling as if the Armageddon were near. Imagine you shuttle between trust and no trust. And at the same time, you know and feel something magical. Now, can you reconcile these two experiences? How do you reconcile having no ground under your feet and feeling wings buzzing behind your back?
You are the center of your experience. You are the center of thoughts. You are the center of emotion. In all this fantastic creation, it’s easy to get overwhelmed. Easy to think that the creation is happening to you instead of you creating your thing. Of course it’s more of a co-creation happening, but lately, I have felt the acceleration inside myself. Physical and emotional, the urge to experience movement. It has been hard to be home even though the heat is intense. I go out and offer myself to heat. I actually experience the heat as energizing instead of tiring, although when my mood is somewhat out of sorts, it is tiring. It’s as though the way you feel emotionally is the primary source of physical energy available at any given moment.
I find it interesting that meditation enabled me to stand still and feel the core. The core is this subtle and beautiful understanding of your own creative power. But being human, there are layers of fear which are very distracting. It’s as though two elements are now within me: fear and creator. I experience myself as a creator and I experience myself as fearful. Life sometimes takes the flavor of being a prolonged experience of crying for help. Life sometimes becomes so ecstatic you are not sure if you are dead or alive. There is something I have been feeling guilty for: the good life. Especially in the wee hours of the morning, the stillness on which everything unfolds. The good life. And I would like to take the journey of “the better it gets, the better it gets”.
When you relatively isolate yourself, you get to experience certain things. You get to see the value of communication, the value of language, you get to think about language and you get to think about connection, you get to perceive that you have a choice as to the way you would like to communicate. You get to experience communication-less life and communication-full life. You get to choose. You get to feel both. You get to feel yourself.
Life in relative isolation has its pros. But I wouldn’t choose it as a life style. This is a conscious choice. I want to indeed open to life as a social experience. I want to experience the deepest connections to people. I want to offer myself as someone to connect with. This was an organic choice. This choice has emerged after a lot of movement and no movement. After a lot of being with myself, and a lot of emotional discomfort. And after a lot of emotional comfort which was harder to experience. It’s as though the emotional absence of ease, disease, was very tightly woven into my outlook on life. But here in Crimea, I have unwoven myself, in a way unbuilt myself. Here, I am vulnerable and becoming even more so. I believe that I can recast myself. Actually, that’s exactly what I have done, because I have changed. And that’s what everyone can do as well.
Which leads me to the point of emotional transformation. What makes emotional transformation truly exciting is the fact that it’s indeed possible. Even just the intent to transform yourself gives such a nice boost to your system. It’s also beautiful how pliable the body is – it reacts to what is going on emotionally, and you can heal the physical imbalances through taking care of your emotional happenings – and, and, diet. I find sugar an interesting thing. It contributes to mood swings. I kind of like to feel even. Sometimes I feel evenly happy. Sometimes I feel evenly neutral. But this “even” keeps my feet on the ground. I feel capable of taking care of myself on the physical level. There’s some fear about my work though. Anxiety there because I have it as my priority. To do my work even if I have no idea what that is. I feel as though my work is a pliable thing, moving thing, a river winding and taking different directions, sometimes merging with an ocean, sometimes becoming a mountain creak. I am very many things. And that’s another point I want to make. You are many different things. You are the point at which all things integrate.
From this perspective, it’s easier to learn – knowing that inside you there inevitably are the resources to learn anything. One particular type of anxiety I’ve been feeling is the under-work anxiety. What if I don’t have enough work? What if I don’t have enough business? Oh god, in this case I won’t be able to support myself, my life here, my basic needs. I don’t want to keep experiencing that struggle. That struggle has broken so much of me. This particular struggle is the thing that I am ashamed of and even angry at, although I also feel it deepened my understanding of worth.
All my life I have questioned my worth and myself. And my life has been a challenging experience in giving and accepting. There are so many things I feel are coming at me and I am tensing against them, I don’t feel safe in all this overwhelming variety of contrasts and experiences and emotion. I would so love for someone to just say “safety, safety, you are safe”.
Emotional safety is a big question to discuss. I don’t know how to feel safe regularly. It’s either an earthquake or drowning and sometimes, smooth silky calm which feels new and is new. I would love for us all to consider each other’s emotional safety. Imagine the kind of world it would be if we asked:
Can I do something to make you feel safer?
I have released an inordinate amount of emotional energy through shadow work that I did on myself. I have used different techniques and sometimes, my own techniques, because really, you cannot go wrong with self-work. Since I have more energy available to me, I have also been feeling invigorated physically. It’s the constant striving for movement. I want to flow, I want to feel the stretch. Yet, in order to move, I have to provide myself with an opportunity. Some kind of opportunity which would allow me to do physical travel. I don’t even care at this moment what would be more or less possible, it’s not about that anymore. I am trying to feel my way into the most ecstatic option. And that’s the thing, you know. I decided to be ecstatic. I used to feel guilt for ecstasy and excitement, but I don’t choose that any longer. It’s hard not to choose your old ways. The old ways are scripted into consciousness, consciousness can be a steel trap. But if you exercise your consciousness, if you flow your consciousness, you can work with the old ways. You can either slip out of them or recast them. There is no definition to you. You are an easy flow.
So, as I have been feeling both very physical and very mental, I have had an inflow of ideas and at the same time, desire for physical exploration. I wanted to move more than anything, my physicality was asking to be felt, intensely asking to be felt, screaming to be felt. It’s hard to sit down and read or focus and write or continue with courses when all I want to do is to go climb a mountain.
The energy is fire. Ideally, I’d like to take a week off and do something intensely physical. Do some diving and hiking. I am overflowing with this forward movement. My emotional self is also being transformed. I feel that emotional transformation is something I have to become a teacher of. I feel particularly fascinated with this kind of alchemy. You go from terrible oh gosh to ecstatic. There is something intrinsically “mine” about this subject. I even feel like doing a fair bit of research on it. I could take my life story and examine it as a certain specimen but really, there is so much more to emotional alchemy than a life story. Maybe the drama I have been part of is teacher training. However I know that there are other dimensions which will be a good teacher – things like research and awareness that are based on your being an observer rather than an active participant in drama, like it was the case with so much of my life. When I was part of certain environments, my original environment and a whole host of others, I was an active participant. I absorbed the drama so deeply, it ruined me. I made my stay on Earth an exercise in gathering negative emotions. And now I’ve had enough. It was as though at some point I was so full of shadow, and dense darkness and pain, I needed to shed and shed and shed, all of that. And what I have discovered, perhaps the most important discovery I’ve made, is that negative emotion or to be more precise, negative thought behind it, is an illusion. It’s literally grabbed out of thin air. If it’s something like this…why not make a choice in a positive direction? A positive emotional life which is a positive thought life.If I were to start thinking about emotional transformation it would follow that I would really start thinking about thought transformation. This is the raw material out of which everything gets built. But how do you transform your thoughts? Imagine a life dedicated to negativity. Until you just get it, you get it – that all of that negativity is trash. And much of thinking, especially negative thinking, is not worth it. So much energy extended on thinking – and I wonder what possibilities we would open for ourselves if we channeled our thinking into areas such as creative work, consciousness expanding ideas, instead of doing our thinking in areas such as beating ourselves up. So much.
So, the thought for today is to start exploring your thinking. I wonder what you’d feel and what would happen if you chose a thought direction which you haven’t practiced much before. That means a more positive direction and it can be slow thought movement, you don’t have to radically change your thought life all in one go. A simple and fun exercise would be to take a positive thought, for example, I think I can find the opportunity to get a scholarship and look for a metaphor: it would be like opening a door to a whole new universe or widening my horizons, heck, even painting those horizons in my own subtle shades and ostentatious colours. Staying in an intellectually stimulating environment would feel like Eden, really. Notice how that makes you feel. Notice the creativity and freedom inherent in metaphor. In your imagination. If you have so much choice, consider exercising this choice and choose nicely.
Warmth and energy. Energy and warmth. There is tremendous energy in being alive. I want to use words to express my perspective. I feel words connecting to my hands. The heat in my hands. Empowering, loving heat. I have released a beast inside me – this energy. Even though it’s ecstatic light, the question still arises, how much light can a human body handle?
Last night I didn’t sleep a wink because of this energy. It is the energy of movement. My mind was moving at light’s speed, and my body was eager and apprehensive to follow that shift. I lay and felt that energy playing with me, tearing me. Even though I enjoy this anticipatory energy of movement, I feel restless. There is anxiety.
The energy is tremendous and I am yet to learn how to focus it. I imagine using it for my work. I imagine threading it into my reality and changing it again. It’s exciting to see the walls of your reality breaking, its seams bursting…and you have a new thing. You realize something essential. The essential thing is that everything is concentrated within you. All your movements and potentialities are inside you.
The energy at your core is the mind-boggling freedom.
When you access it, when you shed enough of your skins, let go of enough of your shadows – everything becomes possible. This energy is a smooth operator. It assembles the jigsaw. It opens you and there is no difference between your being open and the possibilities being open to you.
You realize that being internally focused is the work. That the external thing that you see is a malleable bundle of energy – and it melts under your hand. It moves to your breath.