I take a hot shower to counteract the cold.
I have been sick over the last few days, fever and fire in my throat. I hate it.
I am unpleasantly cold – shivers, rising in intensity. Each morning I wake hoping to be better. I drink a lot of hot tea, black or herbal, or simply water. And take hot showers – for comfort, and thinking.
Things are happening. Sometimes I think I am back to square one, and there is this comparison thing starting – look at all those young people with a wonderful career and how they travel the world and how they have everything and how they can do wonderful websites, and what about me? On and on it goes, but now I find it easier to disengage from this kind of thought. I find it easier to focus on what I can do to move me closer to my ideal life right now. Building your ideal life is an act of self-love. It’s all a continual training session but with a twist – with a very sweet twist.
So I have started teaching /interacting with people. When I do it, I find it challenging to adjust our energies – with some people it’s easier to do than with others. You have to find an emotional connection which is not found through endless conversation. To establish an emotional connection, you have to feel into someone and give them what they need.
So that is what teaching is – establishing an emotional connection and continuously giving, it’s a form of nurturing.
Teaching is good – I get to observe different people and all of them work differently. In other words, human nature is interesting.
At first I approached my interactions with anxiety, now I come at it with curiosity. I reach deep within myself for something to give. Things like acceptance and kindness. I come to love them instantly, I don’t know why it happens, but I feel that I want to guide, teach, love. Always.
I also think about writing. I know I was born for it. And since today is the day for severe honesty, I am going to admit that I do like writing in Russian too. I have been struggling with the question of which language to use in my writing, and I have been hiding from the fact I enjoyed Russian as well; so maybe now is the perfect time to face it – I don’t want to make a choice. I think…I know. I know I have enough capacity for the both of them and even more. That’s the thing. When I was trying to shelter myself from Russian, when I was trying to believe that English was my destiny, I now wonder if the point of it was to see what I see now, to embrace what I embrace now – I can write in both languages.
I can be proficient, brilliant, creative – whatever adjective I have always dreamed of becoming – in both of them. Seriously.
So I want to combine my wonderful and reclusive writing career with working with people. With being able to help them find ease and grace in life. Life is hard, but you, YOU, you can absolutely ace it.
I believe that the people who come to me – I have something to give to them. Does not matter if they just come once or keep coming, as long as it feels natural for the both of us to interact – I am fine. When I teach, it feels that I sink down into my real self. It feels relaxing. It feels that I am sinking into my heart space, and there is nowhere I would rather be.
However, writing is what I was born for. I keep saying that because I enjoy keeping saying that. I don’t have to make the choice between guiding people and being a writer. Fortunately, I am large enough to hold both things. And so are you.